Guilt isn't always a bad thing...

Tonight I learned a new lesson. Let me start at the beginning.

When I began going to a Pentecostal church I was overwhelmed with the members gathering around me at the altar and shouting praises to God and encouragement to me by laying their hands on my shoulders or catching my hands. Many times, I grew so aware of being in the spotlight of these people's attention that I could hardly concentrate on praying. I became convinced I should never do that to anyone.

That was one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is this. I have been so afraid that I would do something in church that God would not be happy with that when the Holy Ghost moved on me to speak, clap, sing, whatever, I would wait a long while before making my move. The fact that when these times came upon me and I didn't do what was on my heart, I suffered a heavy load of guilt for not obeying the Lord. So I began to pray, Father you know I'm scared of moving without the anointing of the Holy Ghost. How can I tell whether it is me getting the idea on my own or whether the Holy Ghost is moving on me to perform?

Well, needless to say, the Lord taught me how to tell. Two times already this year alone, I have prayed for others at the altar and placed my hands upon their shoulders and hollered like any good Pentecostal lady, shouting praises and encouragement. The first time, I went because I wanted everyone there to know that I had the Holy Ghost. It seemed to me that until they knew that, I would always feel that they would try their best to get me to the altar to receive it. I didn't feel much guilt at all and when I did, I brushed it off by saying they needed to hear me speaking in another language to know I had received the Holy Ghost. The second time I went to the altar to pray for someone and laid my hand upon his shoulder and shouted praises and encouragement I could hardly wait to get out of church. I left church quickly after I left the altar that night, which was last Wednesday night.

I knew something was wrong, but wasn't sure what. Didn't I move when the Lord told me to? Guilt slammed into me before I reached my car. Then I knew I'd done something wrong, but my mind refused to believe that praying for another at the altar as I had done was wrong. Oh, but it wasn't so easy to get rid of. Guilt kept me up most of that night and rode my back for days. Then late Saturday night around midnight, I received the message from God. As I was asking His forgiveness for whatever I'd done to cause that guilt, He reminded me that I had admitted to not knowing how to tell if it was me or Him directing me in these matters. Then I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He had taught me how to tell it was me.

You see when it is me telling me to go up and shout over someone, to speak in tongues, or to pray for another without being asked and things like that, the idea will always derive from what I am feeling in that moment. The first time I went contrary to the Lord's will, I was feeling the need to prove to the people I had the Holy Ghost. The second time I went contrary it was because I was impatient with the slow action I saw rather than the fact that God may have wanted everything quieter and low-keyed at that time, so I went up to the altar to stir things up. Another curious thing about both instances is that when I went to pray for the person everyone else dropped back. I couldn't understand this, but the first time I figured they were just giving me room. The second time I actually felt weird and knew I must be doing something wrong, but had no idea what it was.

Now comparing these times with the times when I knew the Lord had moved on me to do something or say something, I knew He had just taught me the way to tell if it was me or Him doing the urging. I say thank you, Lord, for teaching me that lesson. In the future, I won't forget it.